OH SHIT!!!!!

Sometimes when shit happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a shit. Here are some shit definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost Shit

You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but no shit in the bowl.


Teflon Coated Shit

Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!



Gooey Shit

This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.



Second Thought Shit

You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.



Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit

This kind is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.



Bali Belly Shit

You shit so much you lose 5 kilos.



Right Now Shit

You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.



King Kong Shit

This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's house.



Wet Cheeks Shit

This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.



Wish Shit

You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit!



Cement Block or Oh God Shit

You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.



Snake Shit

This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.



Cork Shit (Also Known as Floater Shit)

Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This shit usually happens at someone else's house.



Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers)

You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.



Beer Drunk Shit

This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.



The Frightened Turtle

The kind of shit that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in



The Bungee Shit

The kind of shit that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.



The Ring of Fire Shit

The kind of shit where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.



The Crippler

The kind of shit where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.



The Big Bobber

The kind of shit that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.



The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

The kind of shit that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.



The Incredible Hulk Shit

The king of shit that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.



The Jack the Ripper Shit

The kind of shit that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.



The Party Pooper

The giant shit you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.



The Toxic Gas Shit

The kind of shit that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.



Dirty Bowl Shit

The kind of shit that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.



The Windy City Shit

When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a shit.



Oh Shit! Shit

You shit so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH SHIT!


The Never Ending Shit

It's the shit that keeps running out of your ass like pea, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more shit runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.


Ouch That Hurt Shit

The type of shit that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

Boring Friday night.

Wah! got 1 follower siah!

Eh this one quite chio bu leh... swee mak mak! Nice foto some more.

BUT

This one mai sng.. u poke her. I confirmationalize YOUR privates all chwee and peet ka liow. I was laughing at some of the previous post, she KNN deleted liow lah.. okay, u want to know who is the chao ah beng in alamak bo? Go ask her hahahaha! I like this kind of chatter, speaks her mind, not like me, i speak from my small mind HAHAHAHAH!!!

u dont laff! as long as you got 1 horse and 2 kiews, u ALSO like me. hahahah!

Okay lah.. on to my fav topic FOOD and KTV.. Joe last night decided to pop over for free dinner again, I ask him, Tolong lah... when are you going to get me a decent meal?? He said he tio 4D, want to blanjah me go eat and go KTV after that..

I dig my left ear and remove 1 piece of ear shit.

"SAY AGAIN JOE?"

"Wa tio 4D, kim meh ki jiak and ki KTV!!"

I put back the ear shit in my right ear.

"JOE, LIM PEH NOT FIRST TIME KNOW YOU UNDERSTAND! KNNCCB!! JOE, u want to go Area G (Geylang) sibo?

"But MakanSutra always go there do interviews and food must be good still lah... and.. *ahem... also can do a bit of kamasutra"

KAM li eh si lang tao lah! KAM. HOW I tell my BU i going Area G go eat niah? I sure tio gan left and right one leh.. after that kar neng liow.. buey chut liow ... puiz!

Anyway, Joe ish kong kong niah... when he see the mainlan chinese chio bu, he will erect and stain my car liow.. KNN. sibeh power.

He always talk cock lah.. tell me say, find Geylang chio bu and song, there the women sing karaokey with your lan jiao, can still smile at you with their porcelain white gehs, and when they sing, they can also stick out tongue and make u song.

Talk cock sibeh song hor?

HAHAHAHA!

CHUT middle FINGER at ah JOE...

We end up eating maggie mee Korean flavor with 1 egg each, courtesy of Joe's farking stingy 4D winnings.

PUIZ!

My LAN is still FARKED II

I think i'm going to make this into a drama mama sequel. WHAT THE F!

Lim bu ish waiting for Network guy to let me go inside my fav website leh, KNNBCCB! Call him day and nite he say working on it. PUIZ! keep giving me the "i'm trying.. give me more time" face. CB Face lah!

Wait and wait.. and wait until my lumpar mor and my kar chng mor all touched the floor liow. Ki pang jio, hair drop down to the floor, colleages see and comment...

"wah sibeh hippy leh.. macam 1970s stylo-milo hairs style"...

I replied... "bo pian... hair and horse must match length... eh your one leh? shaved liow kua bo lan hahahahah!!!"


PUIZ! lim peh gongtinue to wait lor....

My LAN is FARKED!

The pleasures of working in my company is i get a small table and a big chair in a little cosy corner and access to internet. And al that ended after National Day.

ONE FARKING BIG TABLE.

ONE FARKING SMALL CHAIR

and ONE FARKING NETWORK GOT NOT ACCESS TO MY FAV PORNSITE!

and I AM ONE FARKING PISSED EMPLOYEE!

ME.

Tiew NAH Seng... PUIZ!

I wanna fark the fella who designed the layout for the new office. And i ALMOST wanted to fark the IT fella for blocking all my fav sites.. KNN... . first few days buay tahan, diam diam hyper ventilate and tio withdrawal symptoms.. almost want to remove my pants, get my horse hard hard and FARK the bloody network!

Puiz!

so how now? LAN LAN lor... knn.. every few minutes just click on Channel(old)newsasia.com lor... wait for newer news to read lor... if continlue like tat, FARK the LAN lah.

Dating 101..

"Eh bro... tonight go chiong.. i buy you drinks ai mai?"

"eh Joe.. me not into bromance with you k?"

"Bromance?"

"KNN!!!!!... U bo lang ai is it?... come ask me for date!??"

So whats the F**King problem with Joe?.. He like not interested/ or a bit interested in this charbor i intro to him.. so far.. i am always the one playing "middleman"..

"JOE, PICK UP THE DAMN FONE and CALL LAH NABUUUUUUEEEHH!!!

"bro... then say what?"

"...&^$^$^#$ eh Joe... u call her... say... how about this weekend.. are u free for dinner or something lor..."

first.. go straight to the point.. we all lao liow.. no need to beat the f**king bush just to chase her out...

2nd... ask her this weekend free bo...dont ask her.. "eh tonight free? oh not free ah?.. tomolo night free? ...oh.. also not free ah.. about the following night?"

Joe asked.. "Can I ask if she free (by the month)?....."

I replied.. "if you asked her if this month and next month she free.. and she said no."

You can forget about dating her... PUIZ!

Ronaldo SOLD for 80 million pounds!

80 MILLION FAAAAARKING POUNDS????

Good lah.. nabei winker whole season kao peh kao bu ... want to go GO LAH! Chao Chee Toad.. oh by the way... REAL MAD can have Big Time Charlie ALL they want. Let him sell shirts better lah.. sign autographs... What's the REAL farking problem? they just dont have good Coaching Managers!!

Whom have Man U sold to REAL?
Rude Van NatsteelRoy... Now nursing injury time for the past 2 seasons...
David Backham... sold plenty of shirts... stays on the bench until sold to some galaxy far far away....

now.... Cris Ronnie.. lets see how will he ends up? LOL.. i won't be surprise if he gets EYE MO eye drip selling eyedrops as well for winking too much hahahaha!!!

Good lah... 80 million pounds can buy Frank Ribery, Enzema... eh Benzema... paiseh..

Next Season, Liverpoop will be in the RED hahahah! Who will challenge Man U for the title?? possibly Chelshit...

MinisTerMenTaL on AWAR*

Whats the F**King problem here?

Joe also sibeh kpo. keep telling me some old guards overthrown by new guards, now new guards dethrown, old guards become new guards.

All I can say is.

If you F**king don't know how to protect your island, your backside will be poke by outsiders. This is simple analogy. ANAL-logy. Period. Your country kena overthrown by enemy.. Will u F**K the enemy and blame them for throwing out your 20 plus years of legacy? Lumpar and Lanjiow throw at you!

Old Guards, blame yourselves for your current state of affairs. So easily, allowed thousands of women to join AWAR* and let them skewer yourself and be BBQ-ed?

Now, from 300 members to 3000 members.

No Confidence Vote 1400 to 760. You still have 800 plus women haven't voted. Lets say half of those never vote are pro-ousted "new guards".. u have potentially about approx 1,160 going to the "new guards". Thats almost 50-50. Why they didn't come and vote? - I ask my lumpar first hor and confirm with my lan jiao hor? How i know siah!

Last time you have it easy. Last time, you say only everybody do. Now, see how u managed them. See if your programmes will be supported.

So Ah Joe, we learn 1 very important lesson in this saga.

- remember all their faces. make sure you dont screw any of them. Or they (1414 of them)will turn u around organlise a giant ball room in MoonTec City, and screw your backside (with what i dont know) until tear. If thats not enough, they will send lawyer letter to ask you pay them back $90 plus K.

Swine Flu

Now got 1 virus going round the world. This one is powerflu.. called SWINE FLU. This one no cure. now we all must be on guard. Go for flu jab.

Joe and me scared of Swine Flu. So we buy thermometer to check temperature ourselves. Be safe. Check who you encounter with. Jot down where you go. Take your temperature ALL the time.

Joe came my house last night to take temperature. I showed him where it is, and he stuffed the thermometer into his mouth for 2 mins.

"eh.. an chua your thermometer anneh chao??"

"Eh Joe... i take temperature in my backside hole.."


zzzzzz.....

"what is wet dreams ah?"

Was that supposed to be a trick question or just wanting to know what sort of wet dreams i had?

Anyways...

Wet dream is like... day time sibeh stressed, then u see one hot chio bu on the MRT.. but still no time to stare at her longer.. so at night when u're so tired and fall asleep.. it comes into your dream ......

The girl u saw on the MRT..starts to appear in a villa.. u're lying on the King size bed with your beh (horse) UP.. the girl climb onto you..and ride your beh (Horse)... she's naked and you see her full glory in front of you... she starts to ride harder and faster.. u see wind blowing against her face.. u see sweat... your heart pump fast and faster and fastest... Then you COMMMEEEEEE!!!!

"AH BOY AH!!!! KI LAI LIOW AH...... KI ZHO KANG AH!!"

Your marder picks up a fallen off pillow from your bed and whack you on the head. u accidentally ejeculate..and a sense of paiseh-ness engulf your face... u franticallyflipped over chest lying against your bed and tell your mother...

"WAIT LAH...I NEED TO FINISH PRAYING FIRST LAH!"

yeah right.... u better pray your marder dont see the mess on your bed sheets or your pyjamas boy!!!

And next time... LOCK THE FUGGING DOOR OF YOUR BEDROOM..

Sibeh Busy...

3 days bo blog liow.. GAN silang itchy...

These few days sibeh hot.. towkay also hot.. i also hot... LJ aircon also HOT!!!... CCB aircon settings UP to 19 degree KNN thermostat pai liow... diao at 30 degrees.. KNN... i might as well sit on runway and cho kang????

So.. must cut hair.

I love Ah Huat cuts.. he makes me look hansem. He will fawn and fuss over my hair.. say here must cut like that like that.. and this must that and that... must give me a refleshing look... after 2 hours with him... my hair looks shorter... and he'll wash it.. gel it and blow dry it...

"Voila ..Yandao liow... go out and sian Amy Yip now!" he said..

/zzz he still thinkings Amy Yip's the hottest babe around.. I didnt want to deflate his cock by telling him.. Amy's nehs have drooped to the floor...

But HEY.. he makes me feel and look good...

After the day's wash ... i think i look normal again.. KNN... always make me happy for that 1 moment and made me part with my $10 so easily...

BUT still i trust Ah Huat to do my hair.. he makes me look consistently normal looking.. the last time i entered a barber shop.. The Barber made me look like i just came out of Detention Barracks (charged for AWOL.. must shave head kind of look and go sit inside DB for 10 days)..

What I hate most... he shaves the bits around my neck.. after that.. it itches like hell...its raw and its biting now... esp when the weather's so hot..

Dinner at Joe's place

Not Jack's Place...

Joe owes me a meal. and what better way to call it Joe's Place for dinner..

"eh Joe.. wat u cook ah?"

"Got beef, got chicken, got pork, got vegetables... and for you canto boi... got SOUP!"

"eh Joe... how come the taste all the same leh?"

"I use magic sauce..nice bo?"

I went to the kitchen and inspected the dustbin.. 3 bottles of emptied Lee Kum Kee Oyster Sauce and came back..

"eh joe... MAGIC YOUR F**KING HEAD LAH!".

............

I swear if i ever see Lee Kum Kee Sauce around me.. i'm going into hyperventilation and involuntary fits....

CCB that fella...

Man U lose !

KNN sexpected! see la.. nb! u think this bunch of kids are Scholes, Beckham, giggsy when they are kids meh? PUIZ! these bunch are WUSSIES lah.. Alex, i know u like kids.. but dont forget leh... they are playing in semi finals leh...at least field a bit more older ones lah...

I see the everthongs guy also tulan... tat tall tall guy his hair like a mop?



KNN... my mother likes him... can invert him upside down and use him to MOP the floor. especially those far reaching corners underneath the bed. Hands also so long.. can help to pick up all the bigger rubbish under also.

I'm HOT!

TO day my best friend Joe tell me eh.. u sibeh HOT looking leh..

"HOT KI LAN AH!"... lim peh sweating the whole day leh.. see my tee shirt? sweat until my nipples what kaler also you know! NABEH!

Today, me and Joe went to play futsal at East Coast. He want to show me how LONGnaldo do the "step over".. that KNN Kia macam do cha cha with the ball. KNN.. i see and laugh until my balls drop...

"eh WRONGnaldo... maybe u learn how to cha cha better lah"

'Ah Joe!! u just scored into your own net..... HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"!

Encounter of the Gong Kias

Today mood ish suppose be good one. KNN.. must be some CCB chatters come and long me .. PUIZ! CHUT my middle fingers to YOU!.

This morning AH Joe called me..say he got bad headache.. think he got cut by my ceiling fan eh blade... WHY? because 6th minute WRONGnaldo scored 40 yards out.. sibeh happy right? Jump right? See lah? FORGOT MY CEILING GOT FAN LOR! U want to jump next time JUMP outside my house. Dont jump inside my house.. everywhere ceiling fans.. u lucky you not that tall or else your neck tio CHOP!

Okay lah.. i pity you.. only a small gash on the forehead... and some hair gone missing... knn.. your hair sibeh curly leh... wait people in my house think u cut your cock hair in my living room while watching football.. lucky me ish clean up before i go to bed..

Next time. i go over your house watch Semi finals lah.

PorkO 0 - 1 Man U

My backyard....

Swee bo?

KNNBCCB!

EH i neber intro myself hor? DIAO!..

Okay me ish MinisterMenTaL.. not related to the Gahmen eh MinisterMentor.. me is re-rated to Alamak.com.sg. u song .. come to alamak.. i sextertain u there song song.. hoot your kar chng .. limpeh make you peet.

I like make friends .. u like u meet me.. u dont like... pretend neber see me. One thing hor... dont hate me.. me ish some times friendly.. if you pretty and horny.. me is sextremely friendly.. heehe...

eh joke lah... life cannot be too serious hor? I gib u chill pill... u see me on the street dont call me "EH MINISTER MENTAL!"... limpeh chut middle finger hor li... u see me.. u say "YAN EH..ho bo?"

okay lah... bo eng liow... loon damn long liow.. waiting for that si lang pang sai mood to come so far pang pui niah... my sexcretary already leave the office a few times.. think my pui damn toxic...

ciao!

I think i got stomach ache

Last night dont know eat what. today in opice sibeh queasy. Go meet towkay.. suddenly kar chng chut some music... paiseh leh.

Eh.. i ate Beef Horfun leh.. from Alexandra Virrage. maybe that one lah... beef bo simi cooked.

later i go toilet.... eh blog like dat not gongsidered "dirty" hor?